Where I am


 

Right now as I sit in this cafe, a multitude of feelings stir inside me I can physically sense them, and there is much in conflict. Below are a few of the more persistent.

lonely cafeAnxiety… because almost nothing in my existence is as I imagined it to be. Truth be told,  I never really imagined anything for my life. I believed I was a loser and that I would always live life as a loser and even ultimately die a loser.

Failure…I perceive myself as having failed as a son, a father, a husband, a christian, a friend, a human. I guess that covers it.

Loneliness…every day it is there, at home, at work, sitting in this cafe. It is pervasive and at times enfold me in the darkest of dark.

Fear…this above other feelings is what paralyzed me more than any other feeling. I have lived my life consumed in fear, mainly fear of the unknown, and the catastrophic thinking that thrives within.

Regret…for having made choices that has sent my life on a trajectory of living a life untrue to who I truly am.

So this is where I am right now, sitting in this cafe with these five lifelong “friends.”

 

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2 thoughts on “Where I am

  1. Dear Mark – You should be sitting with these friends instead in the cafe- Inspiring – (because you so often say what others are secretly feeling) Empathy ( You understand and always show great empathy to all Kindness – ( You have a loving heart that reaches out to help ) Intriguing ( YOu always make me think and finally – Hope – There you go – five beautiful friends sitting close beside you – what better company could you have. Thank you Mark – I think so many of us are afraid – but so , so, often hug that fear within and find it difficult to share with others. I share my fears with God – and somehow His love just keeps me going when the going gets tough. You matter – for like all of us – you are the son our our lving Lord. God bless

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