Right now as I sit in this cafe, a multitude of feelings stir inside me I can physically sense them, and there is much in conflict. Below are a few of the more persistent.
Anxiety… because almost nothing in my existence is as I imagined it to be. Truth be told, I never really imagined anything for my life. I believed I was a loser and that I would always live life as a loser and even ultimately die a loser.
Failure…I perceive myself as having failed as a son, a father, a husband, a christian, a friend, a human. I guess that covers it.
Loneliness…every day it is there, at home, at work, sitting in this cafe. It is pervasive and at times enfold me in the darkest of dark.
Fear…this above other feelings is what paralyzed me more than any other feeling. I have lived my life consumed in fear, mainly fear of the unknown, and the catastrophic thinking that thrives within.
Regret…for having made choices that has sent my life on a trajectory of living a life untrue to who I truly am.
So this is where I am right now, sitting in this cafe with these five lifelong “friends.”