Being unemployed has led me to do much soul-searching these days. That can be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on what path I choose to walk down. Most recently, as in the last day or so, I have been considering the journey of my life up to this point. I have discovered that I am my own saboteur.
This is what I mean.
My relationship with my father, for lack of a better word, sucked. He is 80 something, afflicted with Parkinson’s Disease. There is no chance of a relationship at this stage of the game.
“If only I grew up with a dad that I knew loved me, perhaps I would not be so messed up.”
I was relentlessly bullied throughout my formative years, no one was there to help me.
“If only there had been someone there that cared, listened, and helped me, maybe I wouldn’t have had to live until well into my 30’s believing that I was human waste, pointless, and worthless.”
As a result of the above, I never really figured out who, or what I was. I tried to live being what other people though that I should be, using familial, and cultural “norms” to construct a me, that wasn’t really me.
“If only someone, anyone would have told me to embrace the real me and not concern myself with what others thought I should be, I would be more at peace with myself today.”
Because I constructed a public self, I needed to construct a life that matched. So in desperation to feel “normal”, I added a job, a marriage, a family (whom I love more than life itself), a house in the suburbs and all the other things that signify to the dominant culture that I fit in, that I am just like every other white man living in America.
“If only I had been me, how much different would my life be today?”
There are a lot of other if only in my life…
“If only I had gone to college after high school.”
“If only I was not so fearful of being wrong or looking stupid or failing.”
“If only I could be more assertive or confident.”
“If only I had more time, I could go to the gym, write, read”
The list goes on, but I think that you understand where I am coming from. After a while, when the “if…only” runs rampant in my thought processes, I shut down. I begin to regret the things I have done and the things that I perceive to have failed to do. And regret gives birth to fear, inaction, self -loathing and paralysis. Then I waste hours, days, weeks in depression and self-pity.
Why am I exposing myself like this?
Because I cannot live this way anymore. I have come to see that I will do nothing to better my life, my relationships, or my future if I continue on this path. it is the broad road that leads ultimately to destruction. I have been on it too long. I am turning around.
I want the road that leads to abundant life.
Immediately after typing that last sentence, my thought was, “too bad I are just now, at 53 years old, discovering this, my life would have been so much richer.”
Old habits, they say, die-hard. While that is true, there is hope in that statement that old habit can die.
Will you please pray, if you pray (if you don’t pray, send postive thoughts) that i will embrace me, and move forward to become what I have been created to be?
Thanks for letting me emote.