I am sitting in front of my computer right now feeling a anxiety, a longing, a pressure on my chest. I want the words to describe the reasons for this, but they are slow in coming.
Last night I cried to God. On one hand, I realized that I have been trying to find something in other humans that no one can fill. But on the other hand, I question if I am I not just using that as an excuse to further deny myself the full human experience.
I have insisted on living a very guarded life. Every day I would place one more brick around my heart to keep it from experiencing emotional pain. Early in life I was open and hopeful but as time passed some peers, family, co-workers, and co-Christians seemed to go out of their way to tell me I am not right, not worthy, not normal. So on top of this foundation of pain and rejection I started to build. Day after day, month after month, year after year, I added to my wall of defense. That is 18, 250 bricks high, held together by the mortar of fear.
But inside the fortress my soul ached to be loved. To be accepted at my most real and raw self. Unfortunately, my fortress had now become a prison.
God blessed me with children and grandchildren whom I love more than anything in this world and whom have brought me immense joy. I have and do try to teach them the way of unconditional love and acceptance of all people, including themselves, just as they are, and even those that may wound them for I know that this knowledge will keep them free to experience a full life.
There have also been visitors. Those whom have had heart pain of their own. And through a tiny window they would tell me their stories, share their doubts, fears, and weaknesses. Surprisingly, I understood and our spirits connected and God gifted me to speak healing and life into their pain and at times resurrection would take place in their lives.
I am joyful and envious of others that appear to have found fulfillment within themselves and others. I rejoice in their full lives. I bless them and wish them success and peace, and I really mean it.
And then my heart says to me, “These things are not for you. Accept and embrace your lot in life and be content.” And I retreat to the furthest corner of my self made prison.
So the questions I am left with at the end of it all is this are these…
What do I need to do to truly live life?
How do I find the unconditional love of God so that He is enough?
How can I love me as He loves me?
I don’t know the answers.