As I move in the direction of life altering choice, I have been exposed to the reality of my unbelief as a believer.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart…and He will make your path clear.”
God will make everything clear. That is what I have been taught throughout my Christian journey, over and over again. “If you have enough faith, if you just believe, do not fear-do not doubt-stand strong.” These are the mantras of modern evangelicalism. And for many years I bought into that. But through prayer and contemplation I have moved beyond cliches and simple answers.
Yet…
Here I am today, after having come to terms with myself, having settled in my mind the God loves me just as I am, just within that last 48 hours being reminded of how faithless I really am. I can say all day long and shout it from the rooftops that I believe God is love and that His love for all of His creation, including us, is unconditional, pervasive, and all consuming and finally and completely revealed in Jesus.
But…
If when faced with decisions that are hard, I falter, and wait, and remain fearful, do I really believe what I say I believe? Do I really believe in His love? I feel like the disciples when faced with a overwhelming situation.
Matthew 8:26 And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. (Jesus speaking to His Apostles)
Why were they afraid? Well, a huge storm threatened to capsize their boat, and drown them in the sea. Jesus is sleeping, and in their minds, apparently unconcerned.
Why am I afraid? Because I cannot see past the choice I have to make. I am not guaranteed anything, so in that sense, it is a leap into the dark, a leap of faith. And it is here, at this point in time, that I have realized that I have little faith and that my intellectual belief and my pompous words about believing in God’s unconditional love ring hollow.
So all I can do after having been told by My Savior that my fear is an indication of lack of trust in Him, is weep (which I did actually do) and cry out to Him, “Lord I do believe, I do believe in your unconditional love, help my unbelief!!” Because it is only by faith, steeped in His grace and unconditional love that I must move forward in spite of my trepidation because I have to trust that He is on the other side of my decision waiting for me.
Not to trust, not to take those steps will just continue a life of mere existence and not the abundant life Jesus has promised.
Musings of a "not so good" Christian 
dear Mark- I think many feel the way you do… you have put into words sometimes the feelings I have too… I love that story of Jesus on the water calming not only the stormy waters – but the storms which at times happen within each and all of our souls.-and life. I think it is not so much a matter of not having enough faith to trust…I do not think God asks us to do anything so big- perhaps His heart is filled with joy just whenever we reach out to Him- and, if that means dipping my stumpy toe in unknown waters , I know He will be there, right beside me. Someone once said- “Have faith, the sun will shine” and, if we focus on Jesus and His love, reach beyond our fears, step out our little boat of comfort and known into the unknown and often scary-then Jesus will not let us down but carry us through He is our Light in the dark, but most of all, our loving friend.
thank you for the reminder. and for the encouragement and for your continued support. You have much wisdom and grace. Peace to you, my friend.
aah, Mark- you write such wonderful thoughts… it makes us think- no mean feat- Thank you for your kind comments and take care for now.