During my last visit with my Spiritual Director we reviewed the “homework” he had given to me the previous time we had met. That homework was to think about and bring a list of all the negative traits and habits that I have in my life. I was not really wanting to explore this part of me, I mean, who wants to ask the Holy Spirit to be brutally honest and show me my faults
After putting off this heavy task for a couple of weeks I finally wrote up my list. And as anticipated there was a lot of darkness. As we spent time talking, I realized that the traits and habits I had on my list could be consolidated into three things,..
My lack of self confidence…
my lack of self worth…
my lack of feeling loved.
Since that meeting I have been thinking about this, and have come to see that at the root of those three issues, my unholy trinity, so to speak, is my lack of faith in God. As I result, I have allowed the past 50+ years of my life to be driven by fear, and uncertainty. The end product has been a Frankenstein creation, a horrible caricature of the real me, not the real man God inwardly created me to be.
This monster, my creation, was to supposedly protect my heart, my soul from any more damage suffered in my youth. But this is the thing that I am discovering. God has made me to be a reflection of His love and grace. The Creator has made me to be unique, just like all of us have been created to be unique. This uniqueness, our uniqueness, is a gift to the world. And the reality is my “protector” is actually my “captor”. He has not had my best interest in mind. He has imprisoned me and continually reminds me that I need him to keep me safe. Thus, I have spent the majority of my life trusted in a self-made creation rather than the One who created me in love.
I see this now, and though the process is very slow and my monster is very strong, I am starting to see that my Creator is stronger and I am stepping into Becoming.