I am not sure that there is anyone else ever feels this way, but I must share it to decrease the palpable weight upon my soul. As I sit here thinking about how to write this, my mind races with confusion and, yes fear.
You can be around many people every day.. You can have a family, and friends, and co-workers. But none of them know of the fear, the unknowing, the emptiness that can churn behind your rib cage. The feeling that follows you night and day. Hour after hour. Week after week.
There are secrets within each of us that bind fear to our souls. Secrets only we (and the Creator) know. We construct walls of defense to protect our fragility. Thick, heavy walls that cast a shadow over all of our lives so that we can never truly live within the light of freedom and truth of “me”. We convince ourselves that if others “really knew us” they would hate us, abandon us, despise us and that our lives would fall into utter ruin.
So we hide…the real us.
The “us”...”you”…”me” that we have been created to be.
And the world, and our families, and our friends, and our co-workers, never really experience “us”, and the blessings that we can be to others if we only would be who we are.
And we suffer, we languish, and whither in the shadow of the wall that, rather than protecting us, is slowly killing us by cutting us off from freedom, growth, and fulfillment.
I am getting tired of trying to keep this wall propped up.
I want to live in the light…I want to be free.
Do you?
God help us to trust You rather than our own limited understanding.
Musings of a "not so good" Christian 
Mark – I think there are many who hide behind a “mask”, myself , included! sometimes it feels safer that way, only God and yourself knowing your innermost fears and feelings. God’s love is the light that dispells our darkness, our fears and sadness, gradually, little by little, that darkness will become less and less frightening..and one day, Mark, you and I , and so , so many others will be free, our spirits soaring – we will be dancing in the light of life as God intends us to do. Don’t give up heart, you are not alone and it takes courage to write about all you have just written…and God understands that more than you think…and I thank you for being so honest!
Thank you. God has created us for freedom and joy and love. We have messed things up so badly and most of us are unable to be true to ourselves. I struggle with that every day, It sometimes tears at my soul. The freedom is right in front of me, yet fear stands little invisible prison bars keeping me from that which God says is mine for the living, And the funny thing is I have the key, but I need to be able to use it to open the self imposed prison door, I suppose many of us feel the same. I ask you to pray, as I will pray for you. Peace to you.
Mark, praying you wlll find courage to open the doors of your innermost prisons and let your spirit soar free. Thank you