I am not sure that there is anyone else ever feels this way, but I must share it to decrease the palpable weight upon my soul. As I sit here thinking about how to write this, my mind races with confusion and, yes fear.
You can be around many people every day.. You can have a family, and friends, and co-workers. But none of them know of the fear, the unknowing, the emptiness that can churn behind your rib cage. The feeling that follows you night and day. Hour after hour. Week after week.
There are secrets within each of us that bind fear to our souls. Secrets only we (and the Creator) know. We construct walls of defense to protect our fragility. Thick, heavy walls that cast a shadow over all of our lives so that we can never truly live within the light of freedom and truth of “me”. We convince ourselves that if others “really knew us” they would hate us, abandon us, despise us and that our lives would fall into utter ruin.
So we hide…the real us.
The “us”...”you”…”me” that we have been created to be.
And the world, and our families, and our friends, and our co-workers, never really experience “us”, and the blessings that we can be to others if we only would be who we are.
And we suffer, we languish, and whither in the shadow of the wall that, rather than protecting us, is slowly killing us by cutting us off from freedom, growth, and fulfillment.
I am getting tired of trying to keep this wall propped up.
I want to live in the light…I want to be free.
God help us to trust You rather than our own limited understanding.