This is a season of introversion for me. As such, I am examining, once again, my life, and my faith.
I saw the musical Children of Eden at the college my daughter attends. It is an interesting interpretation of the creation story and the flood (actually it would make a fundamentalists head explode). See here for synopsis:
http://www.musicalschwartz.com/children-of-eden-synopsis.htm
As I thought about the Eden story, I began to think about the progression of humanity, and the loss of innocence and the structures we all build around ourselves to protect ourselves from exposure to who we really are.
I remember back to my days of innocence, and only a couple fuzzy, faded memories still remain. The memories that stick in my mind, are the memories that destroyed innocence and sent me on a decades long mission to keep my heart and soul from more pain. Memories of being a disappointment to my father, inadequate as a son, a focal point of bullying from my peers, a mediocre husband and father fill my mind. Out of those experiences was birthed an internal critic that has always told me that I will never be any good, I am stupid, I am a failure, and if who I was ever come to light I would be rejected as well. So I pretended to be who I was not and pretending drove me further and further from who I was created to be.
My spiritual life and my view of God has also suffered terribly. I have been a Christian for 30+ years now and most of that time I lived in terror of a God of anger and judgement as He waited for me to screw up so that he could teach me a lesson. I drove myself to near spiritual breakdown about seventeen years ago, as I strove to be the best Christian I could be for a god that was the creation of American Evangelicalism. And also to prove to my fellow believers that I was actually holy, righteous , and good, when in fact I was/am, in general, not any of those things.
I am at a crossroads in life now. About three years ago I came to terms with myself, and accepted myself, as is, because I finally realized through the grace of God in Jesus, I have been accepted by God long ago, and the torment and fear I had felt was not from the Holy Spirit but from my inner critic. Yet at the same time, I am having to tear down high and thick walls that have protected me against rejection. And that is a fearful process. When they are finally disassembled my life will probably change dramatically.
Until that time though I am having to go through a time of great uncertainty. Happiness, focus, and enjoyment of life ebbs and flows, being suppressed by the lack of clarity in the steps forward.
Only one thing is certain for me at this point in time. God my Creator, my Sustenance, my Beloved, my Savior, and loves me with a never-ending fountain of pure refreshing grace. And He is/will be there in my “dark night of the soul”. and he will restore me to who I was created to be in His recreation of Eden, His Kingdom here on earth.
Musings of a "not so good" Christian 
Not an uncommon experience (unfortunately), even for non-fundamentalists — and so beautifully written. “I have come that you might have life, and have it abundantly.” Blessings.
Thank you so much for your words and thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Peace to you.
I love reading your words and thoughts…..it mirrors so many things I have struggled with. I grew up in the church but fell away from God at about 19 feeling that I would never be good enough to be considered a child of God. A couple years ago I found God’s grace in a way I have never experienced and realize now that God has and will always love me. I still have many weaknesses and sin alot more than I would like but I’m trying. Its nice to know there are others out there like me.
thank you for reading and commenting and thank you too for your kind words, We are all in the same place, and it is only by grace that we can be embraced by His love, We are free, do not ever let anyone try to put you in bondage, As you grow in His grace, you will grow in His love, May the Creator’s peace continue to fill you.
From one who often “cannot do anything right” , take heart, Mark, you have come through such a lot, yet, still have a caring and loving spirit. It takes courage to rise beyond those feelings of inner conflict which you have clasped tightly to most of your life. Now is the time to rest in God’s love and let His love lead you in the pathways ahead, knowing you are never truly alone and, that, one day, all will be well.. ..and wishing you and yours a joyous Easter
thank you for your beautiful words, every day He is freeing me more and more by His grace. You are a great encouragement to me, May your Easter be filled with much beauty and love.