God is silent.
My few and futile prayers blown away by cold, winter wind. Never reaching the gilded throne room of my Creator.
Do I know that He is there? Of course…most of the time.
Have I abandoned by faith? No….but I admit that there is only a little of it.
Almost eleven months ago I lost my job. But it was not just a job. It was where my abilities and talent were encouraged, honed, and challenged. It was where I felt purpose. It was where I met some of the most amazingly real people. It was also a place were I had a support system, a place were people let me be the ME I was created to be. Personally, and emotionally I grew more there in 8 years, than I had in a large part of my Christian experience. There was a sense of unconditional love there.
In some way, my work became my church, my sanctuary. And when I was let go I became a rudderless raft drifting in a foggy sea of confusion, and solitude.
This is not to say that there have not been some amazing people in my life that have come alongside to lift me up and help me to continue to have hope. It would be unfair of me to discount their love and involvement in my life. And for them I am eternally grateful.
What about the church, you may ask? Neither of the churches I attend know me, outside of the pastors, well enough to be of any real help. This is not all their fault though. I have become somewhat guarded it telling religious people too much about me, I have experienced some of the greatest pain in my life from the church and I am not ready to fight that battle that again. Add to this that no one in the church really knows the real, REAL me. But no one in the church knows the real, REAL anyone sitting in the pew next to them. That is one of the grand flaws of the church.
“My Father, show me what i need to do next.”
And God is silent.
Perhaps He will hear your prayers. Pray for me.