God is silent.

My few and futile prayers blown  away by cold, winter wind. Never reaching the gilded throne room of my Creator.

Do I know that He is there? Of course…most of the time.

Have I abandoned by faith? No….but I admit that there is only a little of it.

Almost eleven months ago I lost my job. But it was not just a job. It was where my abilities and talent were encouraged, honed, and challenged. It was where I felt purpose. It was where I met some of the most amazingly real people. It was also a place were I had a support system, a place were people let me be the ME I was created to be. Personally, and emotionally I grew more there  in 8 years, than I had in a large part of my Christian experience. There was a sense of unconditional love there.

In some way, my work became my church, my sanctuary. And when I was let go I became a rudderless raft drifting in a foggy sea of confusion, and solitude.

This is not to say that there have not been some amazing people in my life that have come alongside to lift me up and help me to continue to have hope. It would be unfair of me to discount their love and involvement in my life. And for them I am eternally grateful.

What about the church, you may ask? Neither of the churches I attend know me, outside of the pastors, well enough to be of any real help. This is not all their fault though. I have become somewhat guarded it telling religious people too much about me, I have experienced some of the greatest pain in my life from the church and I am not ready to fight that battle that again. Add to this that no one in the church really knows the real, REAL me. But no one in the church knows the real, REAL anyone sitting in the pew next to them. That is one of the grand flaws of the church.

I am at a crossroads in life. And it is overwhelming me to the point of paralysis. So I pray, weeping

“My Father, show me what i need to do next.”

And God is silent.

Perhaps He will hear your prayers. Pray for me.


9 thoughts on “Silent

  1. Prayers to a silent God are the hardest& sometimes it feels as if there is no end, no reason, no purpose. He will act when you start to move. Faith is there, just hidden under circumstance. Blessings!

  2. Dear Mark, I can identify very much with your feelings – I have worked in the one place for over 20 years and come to love those who attend our wee clinic – but our clinic is to close early next year
    I will be offered another job – somewhere, but it will not be with those I see at present.
    For such a long, long while, I have waited, hoping, praying that one day I can be free to do and live my dreams, find my purpose in life.
    And though I know God is there, silence also prevails..
    Yet, in the darkness, there are treasures to be found (beleiive me, Mark, it is true) – for, spiritual silences are just like a wee pause in music in the making, -and when that music finally comes, it is all the more richer for that silence that proceded it.
    Jesus , Himself, had 30 years of silence, three years of song.
    Job, gives me hope! He was engulfed in silence, You, or I, Mark, may not know why we are going through our “silences” – but God does.
    He has not forgotten us, instead His arms are enfolded around us ,, in these silences, God does not speak in words, – He picks us up and holds us so very close….and, one day.. all will be revealed.
    I wonder if you will find your “music” before I do!
    Thinking and praying for you.

  3. I am sorry you are traveling through this “God is silent” period of time. The more I study Scripture and seek Christ, I find I am lead to the difficult places, the darkest of places, the worst scenarios. I agree with Mother Teresa, if this is how God treats his friends, no wonder he has so many enemies.
    I am discovering that the object of Christianity does not seem to be found much in the doing of things but in the being. It is about having the posture of prayer, worship, peace, hope in the midst of all circumstances. And that really sucks since we define ourselves by what we do–which then revolves around the times we are doing something specific and big…..but having a posture and being is done in the mundane, everyday moments of life. It is who we are in the in between moments….while we focus so much on the big events of life….Unfortunately I am learning this in the midst of conflict and pain–in the midst of disappointment and uncertainty.
    Wish I could give you the formula for making God be more vocal or the formula for feeling good in the midst of this…but I can’t. I can just pray. and pray I will

  4. Zeckle has said pretty much what I would say. It’s very hard, because we see ourselves – and are encouraged to see ourselves – as so fulfilled in our work that we’re almost non-existent outside of it. As someone once put it, Jesus praised Mary, but ever since the church has promoted Martha.

    I had to retire almost three years ago for health reasons, and I’m still grappling with the loss of a job I loved, with coworkers I enjoyed, in an environment that was tailor-made for me. So I know something of what you’re going through. It’s easy to say, “Let it go” to someone else, to say “everything will work out” when you’re happy. All I can say is that I’ve been walking through dark times for almost 3 years – and I occasionally see light. And I know in my bones that God has something in mind for me. And I might be doing it without even knowing it…

    My prayers are with you.

  5. I have enjoyed reading your posts for the last year, and sharing them with others in my community. I feel that you have much to offer. I am sorry that you are feeling let down by your churches during this difficult period. I have experienced that myself, and yet I am open to the possibility that I might still find a true community. I am blessed in that I now attend a church that truly believes in “soul competence” or the ability of each soul to interpret the meaning of God’s word through thoughtful seeking, rather than proscribing any dogmas. I wish you peace on your journey, and hope that you will discern God’s path for you. I will certainly keep you in my prayers.

  6. Hi Mark. You’ve been prayed for. I’m in a situation similar to yours so know that you Aren’t the only one. Remember this point in your life came to pass (you by) and one day you’ll have great stories to tell. Be well.

  7. Eve said that she might be fulfilling God’s call “without even knowing it”, and the same, I feel, might be true for you. I hope that you will realize how powerful and great your blog posts have been to your readers. Just by your honesty, you’ve touched a lot of hearts. God be with you.

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