This week my father entered to hospital with end stage Parkinson, pneumonia, congestive heart failure. He has very little time. We were never close, I guess partly my fault, partly his. I don’t remember when he last said he loved me. And most of our conversations have been strained and usually lasted less than 5 minutes. So, now there is no more chances to develop a deep and meaningful relationship. As a result, I don’t know what feelings I should be experiencing at this time.
This comes on top of being out of work for a little over seven months now, with no prospects and when I opened my email this Wednesday I found that I was sent another “thanks but no thanks” rejection notice. Being out of work not only has eliminated bank accounts, it has kept me from interacting, guiding, and helping people on a regular basis. I am feeling disconnected and questioning my abilities.
I try hard not to feel sorry for myself and withdraw. I struggle with depression but there are times when I have to make myself do things. A year ago, I had a breakthrough in my personal life, finally integrating two mutually exclusive part of me but that movement forward has come to a halt.
Many of the people I had good friendships with were also my co-workers and little by little I am losing touch with them. They played a huge role in my overall support. In the churches I attend, I am fairly new, and I have yet to develop any meaningful relationships with anyone outside of the pastors.
Many emotions. Many feelings. Much confusion.
Even God seems far from me.