My Not So Wonderful Life


Perhaps it is because I am on a Augusten Burroughs reading frenzy.
Perhaps it is because I am out of work, and have a lot of time to ruminate.
Perhaps it is because if I don’t do something with all the conflict and angst within me, my head will explode.
Perhaps it is part of my internal healing
Perhaps it is none of the above….or all of them.

The more I look within, the more I realize how “F”-ed I really am. Having come to this great  epiphany, I see now, how I am my own worst enemy. What follows is revelations of what I have learned about myself over the past three months of unemployment.

I do a lot of dreaming and a lot of talking, but when it comes right down to it, my dreams never take on substance, and they dissipate into the air like mist rising from an icy lake on a warm spring morning.

Fear, doubt in my abilities, and lack of self-confidence have kept me in a perpetual state of motivational paralysis for most of my adult life. This had led to the destructive pattern of procrastination. The fruit of which can be seen by looking at my professional and financial life.

My self-image was shattered long ago, growing up among peers and a parent that used sledge hammers to pummel out of me any shred of self-worth and purpose. I have, since that time forgiven….but the residual effects of this berating continue influence my life up to today. The results of this have made me indecisive, allowing others to make decisions and choices even if I disagreed internally because it is always better avoid conflict. And this passivity has created in me doubt and regret that I have never been a “good enough” son, brother, husband, father, counselor, or Christian. Being driven by the desires and the wants of others is a poison that has killed much of who I was created to be.

So what? Why would my screwed up existence matter to anyone reading this?

Maybe it doesn’t, but by writing about it I am beginning to take the control back that I have allowed the past to own. By exposing to the light my inner prisons, I am allowing God to open the door of that secret room and allow for the fist time His healing and grace to pour in.

My eyes are beginning to adjust to this resurrection light, I am fearful, but hopeful, that maybe it is time to step through the door into His arms of grace and healing. He can bring back to life what others have destroyed and restore me to that which I have been created to be.

For today, I am pushing the door open a little more.

 

 


11 thoughts on “My Not So Wonderful Life

  1. I think there is someone very good and very brave behind these words. This sort of honest exploration and development of the self and pursuit of God takes a special kind of courage. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself. 😀

    1. Thank you Michael. I do not see myself as very brave, so your words of encouragement touch my heart.

  2. Good post. I trust you are able to continuing pushing the door open a little farther, day by day. May God continue to heal and bless you.

  3. we all have great fears and doubts. We all are broken. The problem is most of us are not brave enough like you to admit our brokenness. Bless you for sharing so deeply.
    Just remember you are loved by many. And though you doubt yourself and see your brokenness, your family and friends have confidence in you and God’s work in you. We see you as God’s creation on his way to healing.

    1. Thank you Leanne.

      God is calling me to be me…and to be open about being me. It is sometime scary to do that. But I am forever grateful to Him for sending people into my life, such as you to support and encourage.

      Peace to you my friend.

  4. Never forget that you are ALWAYS “good enough” for God. And remember if you are “good enough” for him, you are “good enough” for anyone (and everyone) else. Only One was perfect and that’s not you (nor me, nor anyone but Jesus).

    Thank you for sharing with us.

  5. Mark, Thank-you for your words. I don’t think you realise just how much they help others.
    There are many of us who perhaps have or are still do experience these feelings you so honestly share.
    Don’t stop dreaming,nor writing, but you are so important and do matter.
    In God’s eyes especially.
    One day soon, when you least expect it, that door you are gingerly pushing open will swing wider and what will beckon will be so worth the wait.
    God’s timing is just right. We may feel we are waiting an eternity ( this from one who so knows the agony of waiting)
    Joy and delight will be yours again – so do not despair.
    Sometimes in these bleak, dessert days, when we feel utterly alone, we find a special kind of love..and Jesus must have felt alone Himself, many times.
    There is nothing we experience that He has never experienced.
    Just keep trusting, never give up writing..keep being the Mark, we love..
    and a new dawn will arise at the very moment you think everything is at its darkest.
    Take care

    1. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They have made me cry…and given me hope
      Peace to you.
      Mark Lee

  6. The road of transformation can be long and at times difficult, but grace is its foundation and beginning, grace is its balm and healing, grace is its empowerment and enjoyment. And the holy suprises when we awake on different mornings and realize we have changed, we have moved, we are different are wonderful affirmations that God Himself is walking us through this – his goal for us – becoming new creations.

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