This post is personal in nature, so if you do not like to read about struggles in a person’s life, then this post will not excite you. But for those of you that dare to venture into my mundane life…
The title of this post is the question I have heard the most since I had been unfairly let go from my job of over seven years two months ago. If you are interested in more of the background I have written about it in a previous post.
I don’t know what to say to people when this question is asked. How am I doing? Well a good Christian would say, “trusting the Lord”, “Resting in His Arms”,” when God closes a door, He opens a window”….statements like that are spiritual. Here is what I want to say…”Well pretty shitty.”
But it is real. When I lost my job I lost not just a paycheck every two weeks, I lost the outlet for my gifting, I lost daily interactions with co-workers whom I had come to love and who were helping me to become more of what I was created to be. I lost the challenges that keep my mind active, I lost interaction with people who were so different from me and because of that I was pushed to learn and grow intellectually and spiritually, I lost part of the purpose for my life.
So now I drift…floating in the banality that is the suburbs, insulated from the real world. I wake up in the morning, sometimes even forgetting what day it is. Motivation and drive are missing. I feel frustration and sadness and still sometimes anger at what had happened. Depression creeps into the corners of my mind, and I fight to keep it out. Some days I think that I will never find a job I love as much as the one I had. Some days I think that I will not find a job at all.
I am in limbo…sinking into the quicksand of apathy.
Sometimes I am afraid.
Sometimes I wonder if God is even there at all.
This is what I want to tell people.