Reflection, repentence, and grace

Every year I begin with the hope that my life and the things that I accomplish in my life will be different. This year is no exception.  For me 2010 was a year of blessing and a year of failure and weakness.

First the blessings. Our daughter and grand-daughter are living with us while my daughter finishing nursing school. It is amazing to see how the two of them are growing. My daughter is becoming more confident in herself and her abilities and my grand-daughter is just growing, physically and intellectually (not to mention she is hysterically funny).

Our youngest daughter finished her first semester in university and loves it. I am in awe at how even one semester away has caused her to become even more mature in so many areas.

Another blessing… I was in danger of losing my job if  the grant that  I work under had not been renewed. It was and I am still employed.

There are some others but I do not want to run the risk of sounding like one of those “family christmas update letters”.

There were things that had been very painful too. We are in the process of looking for a new church. The present church does not want someone like me to be involved in ministry, there is fear that I will poison minds with my passion and zeal for grace, forgiveness, mercy and outreach. But I will save explanation of this for another time.

This past year I have come to realize even more what a sinful person I truly am. I look back on the year with much regret for some of the things that I have done and haven’t done  that really have no place in the Christian’s life. I have wept over some things, but on the other hand I have embraced other things. Not willing to give them up, I cling to them, fearing loss of my individuality. . I am still confused and frustrated about many things. I have doubt and I have many questions.  I have spent many hours repenting.

And lastly I am understanding even more the depth of God’s grace, unconditional love. mercy and forgiveness in Christ. I want to say emphatically at this point if I had to depend on ANYTHING that I have done this past year to be found in God’s favor I would be damned forever.

I can’t do it! I can’t be good enough, I can’t be holy enough, I can’t do it!

Therefore, I thank God for His ultimate gift of Christ who is good enough, and holy enough, and perfect enough to make me a child of God. My Christian life is the life He lived and is living through me.If there is any goodness evident within me it is His goodness not mine. All I do is keeping running to the cross and remembering that the Christian life is not about me or what I do. It is only about Jesus and what He has done.

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