since my last post i sort of came to a place where i was beginning to feel very indifferent toward the church and toward people in the church. my passion, my desire to see something new hit a wall. i started to think there is no point to continuing on this journey, it may just lead to nowhere. i have to admit that i struggle daily with all of this. there are other struggles, other fears, other doubts that plague me.
some people tell me that i am just too introspective, that i just need to let go and enjoy life, that i just need to relax. can i be honest here? all those well meaning people with their well used comments seem to say to me, “just give up this passion, this ideology, this is as good as it will ever get, this is your life, there is nothing else. just live like everyone else.”
i feel like there is something burning inside of me that tells me that there is so much more…but what is it?
each day i get a little older and i feel like i am missing it…grief overwhelms me when i dwell on this point too long.
i want to experience more…i want to have a positive impact…i want someone to understand me but i fear that i cannot explain this smoldering, glowing ember inside. if only the wind of understanding would blow over it…it would ignite a fire within.
sometimes i think that God keeps us in the dark…i don’t know why. does He care? does He know the paradoxical life that i live.
i think that this torment of soul drives me to desire a church that does what the church has not done in millenium, give people a place to experience acceptance and an otherworldy love not found in anything in this world. i need a church like that. if people in church knew the “hidden me” they would reject me outright. if other struggling people in church shared their “hidden others” they too would be rejected. church in many ways is no different than any social club. where is the love and support and grace?
tonight i talked to a very good friend on the phone…i cry when i hang up…i feel unable to help him in his hurts…i want to share with him what is inside but because if his pain i keep mine a secret. i do not think that he can handle it.
so there is no where to go…and for millions of others there is no where to go.
where is the “Body of Christ”?
Out condemning the heathen i guess.