since my last post i sort of came to a place where i was beginning to feel very indifferent toward the church and toward people in the church. my passion, my desire to see something new hit a wall. i started to think there is no point to continuing on this journey, it may just lead to nowhere. i have to admit that i struggle daily with all of this. there are other struggles, other fears, other doubts that plague me.
some people tell me that i am just too introspective, that i just need to let go and enjoy life, that i just need to relax. can i be honest here? all those well meaning people with their well used comments seem to say to me, “just give up this passion, this ideology, this is as good as it will ever get, this is your life, there is nothing else. just live like everyone else.”
I CAN’T!
i feel like there is something burning inside of me that tells me that there is so much more…but what is it?
each day i get a little older and i feel like i am missing it…grief overwhelms me when i dwell on this point too long.
i want to experience more…i want to have a positive impact…i want someone to understand me but i fear that i cannot explain this smoldering, glowing ember inside. if only the wind of understanding would blow over it…it would ignite a fire within.
sometimes i think that God keeps us in the dark…i don’t know why. does He care? does He know the paradoxical life that i live.
i think that this torment of soul drives me to desire a church that does what the church has not done in millenium, give people a place to experience acceptance and an otherworldy love not found in anything in this world. i need a church like that. if people in church knew the “hidden me” they would reject me outright. if other struggling people in church shared their “hidden others” they too would be rejected. church in many ways is no different than any social club. where is the love and support and grace?
tonight i talked to a very good friend on the phone…i cry when i hang up…i feel unable to help him in his hurts…i want to share with him what is inside but because if his pain i keep mine a secret. i do not think that he can handle it.
so there is no where to go…and for millions of others there is no where to go.
where is the “Body of Christ”?
Out condemning the heathen i guess.
Musings of a "not so good" Christian 
I really believe us “introspective types” have a tougher time in life. I wish I had a dime for every time I’ve heard, “just count your blessings”, “be still and know He is God”, “confess your hidden sin and He will answer you”, “just believe”, “give more money”…. blah, blah, blah. It’s hard to do any of that when you already feel like you’re being “raped” intellectually and emotionally, not to mention spiritually! I grew up with a dad who wasn’t interested in what I thought or felt, his concern centered on my being good and just behaving, so I didn’t create anymore stress for him. I tend to view God the same, just behave and keep your mouth shut, don’t cause God any more stress! So every well meaning Christian who tells me to stop asking questions and just count my blessings sends me right back to that awful place, that I hate so much!!! The Apostle Paul said that now “we see through a glass darkly….” All of us are mere infants in our knowledge of God and His universe, like ants trying to understand “rocket science”! In regards to the church, maybe in some places it actually does touch people in the way you desire it too! Of course don’t forget, you as an individual are the church, so when you reach out and accept others, the church is doing what God intended it to do! It is people like you Mark, that give me hope for a better and brighter future for this thing we call church! Don’t forget that there are a few church people who do know the “hidden you” and accept you just as you are! When all is said and done, we are all in the same boat. Helpless and hopeless, in need of a Savior, in need of unending grace and mercy!!! Our particular sins may differ, but not the debt owed to a Holy all knowing God, as individuals and as a race it is incalculable!! Somehow, someway Jesus makes that debt go away, paid in full! Never to be reinstated!! I don’t pretend anymore, to understand it, but I’m struggling to “live in it”, some days more so than others, you’ve been a positive influence in my struggle!