Musings of a "not so good" Christian

It has been a busy week and a half….but doubt, anxiety, and questions burden my heart, my soul, day after day after day.

A week ago this past Saturday i am at music camp with my daughter. The camp is in the middle of nowhere and the night is truly dark. I stand outside, the chilly mid September air cuts through my clothing. It is quiet…no crickets chirping, no frogs croaking, no wind blowing through the multicolored foliage, no sound. It is very dark, the darkness envelopes me. I look up at the sky and my breath is taken away. There are no clouds and the black velvet canopy is filled with stars, from horizon to horizon stars fill the sky. Right above me, what looks like a thin cloud is the Milky Way with millions upon millions of stars. There are no words, i am awestruck and i begin to cry. I know that God is there, and  stand before Him in His Cathedral.

A week later I walk through the streets of New York. Multitudes of people from every tribe, nation, and tongue before me and passing me on the sidewalk. The glory of man surrounds me in the beauty of the architecture, the parks, and in the energy and creativity only New York exudes. I sit in Washington Square Park…musicans creating melodious sounds, children laughing and running, college students reading, lovers sitting on park benches holding hands, gazing into each others eyes and becoming soulmates, and I begin to cry. God is there, His image impressed on each face, His creative spark flowing though artists, musician, and architects.

Today, I sit on the floor of my kitchen, tears pouring from my eyes, crying out to Him. My soul aching with so many confusing thoughts, questions, and self doubts. I watch the smoke of incense rise into the air, it twists and turns and ascends to the ceiling, then it evaporates and disappears, like our lives??? Sometimes leaving behind a fragrance but then that too is forgotten. Is that all life is? I have beautiful flowers from my garden on the kitchen table, the wind knocked the vase over, and many petals fell off. Again, is that all our life is? Flowers grow, then produce brilliant colors, then the cold winds come, the petals fall, they wither and die. Like us? we grow, we produce, the winds of age cause us to wither and then die.  Then as snow even covers the remains of the garden, so time covers whatever thoughts people have of us and we are forgotten.

For today i cry.  I know He is here but why does He seem silent?